Can you recover from infidelity

The partner who committed the infidelity might fear being punished forever. It's usually difficult at this time to think clearly enough to make long-term decisions.

Consider the following:. Seek support. It can help to share your experience and feelings with trusted friends or loved ones who can support, encourage and walk along with you on your healing path. Avoid people who tend to be judgmental, critical or biased. Some spiritual leaders have training and might be helpful. Consider seeing a well-trained, experienced marriage and family therapist alone or together.

Recovering from an affair will be one of the most challenging chapters in your life. This challenge may come with ambivalence and uncertainty. However, as you rebuild trust, admit guilt, learn how to forgive and reconcile struggles, it can deepen and strengthen the love and affection we all desire.

If you are both committed to healing your relationship despite the pain, the reward can be a new type of marriage that will continue to grow and likely exceed your previous expectations. There is a problem with information submitted for this request.

Sign up for free, and stay up-to-date on research advancements, health tips and current health topics, like COVID, plus expert advice on managing your health. Error Email field is required. Error Include a valid email address. Even if the couple decides not to stay together, the letter helps repair the damage caused by the infidelity, and the partners can move forward and, eventually, into new relationships without carrying the pain and trauma with them, Meyer says.

Some therapists avoid having clients share details about the infidelity because they fear it will create more harm or retraumatize clients, Alsaleem says. He argues that narrating the affair is a painful yet crucial part of recovery that can help facilitate healing if done with the right level of disclosure. Alsaleem dedicates an entire day in his SART training program to teaching counselors how to help clients share their affair stories without retraumatizing both parties by sharing too much or too little information and without minimizing or exaggerating what happened.

Meyer, a member of both ACA and IAMFC, often finds that clients want to ask the offending partner multiple detailed questions about the intricacies of the affair. Meyer is aware that the answers to these questions have the potential to create even more hurt and trauma for her clients, so she is honest with couples about this possibility and guides them through the process.

Alsaleem provides a brief example of how counselors can determine the appropriate level of disclosure when clients share their affair stories but he advises clinicians to seek further training before trying this approach. He first asks the offending partner to be proactively transparent when sharing the affair story.

Alsaleem also tells injured clients that they can ask anything they want about the affair. But before they ask, he helps them determine whether the question will help them understand what type of affair it was or why the affair happened. If so, then it is a fair question, he says.

He advises counselors to ask clients what they are trying to learn about the story with their questions and help them figure out if these questions are the best way to obtain that information while avoiding further traumatization.

Affairs can evoke intense emotions in session, especially when discussing the affair story. You can both ask for a timeout as well. Meyer also uses her own body language — such as scooting up in her chair or standing up — if clients start yelling uncontrollably, or she physically separates them for a few minutes by having them take turns going to the restroom or getting a glass of water.

These subtle changes help clients calm down and not get stuck in fighting, she explains. Usatynski, an ACA member who specializes in couples therapy, approaches infidelity counseling differently from couples therapy where betrayal is not the presenting issue. In ordinary couples therapy, she strives to keep therapy as balanced as possible, focusing equally on the complaints of both partners and the unresolved issues that each brings to the relationship. But when infidelity is involved, she intentionally creates an imbalance of power and initially allows the injured party to have all of the power.

This treatment works only if the offending party expresses true regret for the harm they have caused their partner and expresses a genuine desire to rebuild the relationship, Usatynski adds. When betrayal is the presenting issue, this method requires that clients move through three phases as they process and attempt to repair their relationship. The first phase addresses the trauma the injured client has experienced by allowing them to express all of their emotions about the betrayal.

The partner who was betrayed can also ask any question they want about the affair during this phase, and the offending partner has to answer honestly. Many therapists who work with betrayal are concerned about the injured partner being traumatized by finding out the truth, Usatynski says. She admits this is a valid concern, so therapists should support the injured partner throughout the process.

However, she advises that therapists not shy away from the truth coming out because, as she explains, the only way to repair the relationship or build something new is with total transparency. It can be really painful to share your secret only to have someone respond, as a friend of mine did, 'Well, I wouldn't put up with it. After an affair, it can be hard to know what to do or even where to start. If the conversations you're having with your partner feel like they're not getting anywhere, consider working with a licensed therapist who can help guide the process.

I tell couples they are going to have to bury that first relationship and think about starting a brand new relationship with each other. Grant and her husband eventually sought couples counseling after they had each worked with separate therapists. We have a lot of fun together, he's a much more hands-on father. Therapy helped him work through a lot of childhood grief, so that his own feelings are a lot more accessible to him.

I see it in my office every day," says McNulty. Want more tips like these? Sign up for our newsletter and follow us on Facebook , Twitter and Instagram. IE 11 is not supported. For an optimal experience visit our site on another browser. Share this —. This is a tough one. Or both. The latter reason may likely infuriate Sam. Jennifer may not be able to do that. All of this lies in the Atonement phase — a working through of anger, fear, guilt, and shame. Jennifer is totally responsible for going outside the marriage to get her needs met.

That is clear. But affairs happen in contexts. Sam and Jennifer will want to create a fresh, enlivened relationship where both can recommit and leave behind the relationship that was not working. The task is to learn new skills and new ways of communicating so both can feel better about their marriage.

The same would be evident if Sam insisted that the marriage had been great with absolutely nothing amiss or broken. Both would be locked in defensiveness and contempt. This may be easier said than done.

She must cut ties with Anthony. She needs to provide whatever information Sam needs to help him heal.